Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
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there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
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The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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