i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
