I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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