Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
