I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
