I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
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I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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