I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
