I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
