the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
