if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
