the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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