You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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