It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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