Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
