Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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