dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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