well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
