Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
you inspire me to be a worse person
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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