she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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