last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
