Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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