I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
