I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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