what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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