one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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