I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
