If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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