He asked me if I "almost moaned"
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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