It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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