If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
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