Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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