thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
