Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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