so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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