I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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