my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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