it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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