I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
