i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
