I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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