I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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