before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
