i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
