2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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