I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
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new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
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I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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