no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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