Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
