dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
