I wish I could teleport
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
