i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
vagina is talking i cant
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
