I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
