so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
