I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
