so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
This girl is more easily done than said...
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize