I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
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