I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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